The Joy of Being Alone.

Right now my house is quiet. Blissfully quiet. The kids have all been delivered to their respective schools, my hubby is working at Starbucks…on his laptop, and I have about 5 places I need to be right now and a huge project I need to finish by tomorrow. So naturally I don’t want to do anything at all right now but sit in the glorious silence that surrounds me. And once again, the silence brought my fingers to this keyboard, and here we are.

The silence is where I can be wholly me, unaltered by others’ energy fields, their expectations, their desires, their needs, their incessant whining about needing to be fed on a consistent basis. What’s that all about anyway?

Silence is golden. And it’s something you don’t fully realize until it becomes really really hard to obtain. It wasn’t until we had 3 kids and 2 dogs running around that we understood just how golden silence really is. It’s funny that we need the contrast of what we don’t want to finally understand what we do want. If you are constantly running around like a headless chicken, it’s high time you throw a cushion on the floor and take a seat.

I didn’t understand just how unhappy I had been until I started to get glimpses of happiness. You can spend your whole life in a downward spiral of gloom and doom  thinking it’s normal. And while it may indeed be normal, it’s not what you are meant to live.

Are you smiling right now? You should be. Are you excited when you wake up in the morning or do you have an adult temper tantrum in your head when you open your eyes? Are you happy to be alive, happy to make choices every day about which direction you want your life to go? Are you crying happy tears right now, or sad ones?

Let me ask you this: When was the last time you laughed so hard for so long that you just couldn’t stop. And when you looked at someone, they started laughing too, just because you were laughing, and when you think about that moment now, you laugh about it still! Was it yesterday, or was it when you were a child?

Without knowing it, we learn how to be adults from our parents. Children see and hear everything, even the things that adults wish they could desperately hide from them, because the loudest things we hear aren’t being said, they’re being felt. When my marriage fell apart my kids saw it, they heard it, and they felt it. I knew it, and I did my best to hold it together. I don’t know if I did it for them or for me, but I knew that being strong was the only choice worth making.

Choosing fear was not an option. I had chosen fear my entire life, and look where it had gotten me. So I chose differently. I chose love. And it was the best choice I have ever made in my entire life. I decided to love everyone and everything, but most of all, I finally gave myself permission to love myself.

Among other things, meditation saved me. I believed in angels and guides already, so I decided to go all in and entertain the whole God idea. I sat in silence and prayed. I prayed for strength and courage and guidance and infinite love and support. I prayed to all of the Archangels I could name to enter into my life and help me transform into this person I knew I could be. I prayed to Archangel Raphael, Uriel, Gabriel, Chamuel, Michael, Remiel, Raziel, Zadkiel, Jophiel, Sandalphon, Metatron and more. I brought them into the car with me, into the shower, everywhere. I stopped listening to music. I stopped watching television. My perspective had totally shifted and I wanted one thing more than anything in the entire world: I wanted to stop being numb and start directing my life. I wanted to take my power back and be blissfully happy.

For the first time in my life I understood that it was my job to make myself happy – no one else’s. I finally understood just how much I had given my power away throughout the years. I gave it away all over the place. I gave it to anyone who did anything better than me. I gave it to anyone who did anything at all because I assumed they would do it better than me. And all the while, this really awesome spirit inside of me was suffocating, willing me to step up and step into my power, but it was too scary to be strong, so I kept choosing fear.

This seems like the perfect time to introduce my favourite quote. And while Elanor is granted having said this, it seems to be a paraphrase of a conversation she once had. Either way, I wish I could have coffee with her sometime:

elanor

Why would I keep choosing fear? The best answer I have for this question is that a fear response on this level is learned. Learning not to touch a hot stove was something I could learn all on my own. It’s instinctual. But learning to be scared to talk on the telephone is not. Mostly I learned how to be scared from my mother, and because I operated at the vibration of fear, it was the only signal my antennae picked up. I was so fearful that I was attracting fearful people to my experience. I could only see the fearful outcomes of situations because I never entertained the idea that maybe I could be strong.

Over time I had chosen fear so often that it was an ingrained response. My fear neurons had created a super highway in my brain and there was no off ramp.

Two years ago, I sat down with a psychic medium who told me that I hadn’t laughed in 3 years. At first I was defensive. But a split second later I knew she was right. 3 YEARS! That is a long time to be unhappy. Thank God I was on a quest to be happy. It was my happiness quest that brought me to her in the first place. She told me that I too had gifts. She told me that I have the power to sit on her side of the table, and I knew she was right. The more I sit in silence, the more I am able to tap into them.

You too have powerful gifts. The best way I know to access them is to find joy in silence. Get to know yourself intimately by carving out a few minutes to enjoy your own company. Get to know the spirit within that is wanting so very badly to be heard.

Don’t use an excuse. Don’t do that. Don’t say that you don’t have time. Make time. Instead of laying down immediately when you go to bed, sit up. Sit on your bed, prop yourself up with pillows, and breathe. It’s that easy. You’re meditating. Turn off the radio in your car. Close your eyes at red lights and take a few deep breaths until the guy behind you honks to tell you your time is up!

Take a break from social media. That should free up a few hours ;). If there is a show you’re really excited to watch, watch it! Enjoy it, and be happy! But if you’re mindlessly flipping through television stations, turn it off and hang out with your spirit. It’s time well spent. Take your power back and be happy, wild, and free!